Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize