Me too!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
