Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
