I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
