In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
