That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
