I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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