Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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