i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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