put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
