I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
