a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
