I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
