there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
