Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
