Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
