That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
