You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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