If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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