his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
