My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
