I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
