I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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