You made me cry and you don't even care
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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