wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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