The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
