We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
