Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
