Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
