now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Someone signed my nipple.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
