I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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