well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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