Whod you bang
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
false alarm. still invincible.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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