A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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