1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
