the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
