Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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