Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
