It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
