I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
