the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
