He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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