My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm too high and old for this...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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