apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
In America we eat man semen.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
3 2 1 whiskey
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize