The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
