I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
