They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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