I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
