I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
