A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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