nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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