I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
