I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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