I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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