She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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