Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
