Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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