we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
